My Future Child

January 21, 2008 at 5:00 pm (adoption, family, foster, fostering) (, , )

I was reading blogs and came across THIS . It stirred up some feelings I have been having lately.

When I think of my future child, a whole host of emotions rush through me… I am excited, happy, elated and all those cheerful feelings of a future mother. I am also nervous and uncertain, both emotions my friends all expressed while expecting. Then, there’s the other stuff, the not so normal feelings that come with the foster/adopt experience. My child will not be born to me, and I can say in all honesty, I don’t care about that… what I do care about is that he or she will have a history without me, and it will not be a happy one.

Children don’t come into foster care from happy families, they don’t even come into foster care through mildly dysfunctional families… it takes an extreme level of danger to the child for a removal to happen, and an even worse situation to determine the child will NEVER be placed back with their parents and must be adopted. My baby, my heart and soul, will come to me from a damaged life. I will have failed in my first duty to protect him or her simply by virtue of being unable to. That child will have been hurt by those that should have cared, and betrayed by the very womb that brought him or her into the world. I can spend the next 18 years promising with every breath that I will NEVER betray or hurt them, but why should he or she believe me? After all, that very first bond was one tainted by the actions of the biological parents – and I am just a stranger. I know the love that I already feel, but I will never be able to let my future child feel it through my eyes.

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Weirdness

January 19, 2008 at 10:19 am (adoption, foster) (, , , , , )

Well, my dreams for the past few nights have been 1000 shades of “weird”. The night before last I fought dreams of houses murdering babies and children. The kids then became mannequins in disjointed pieces which needed to be pieced back together. Try as I might, I could never find all the pieces to make them whole again, and so they walked around with gaping holes in their torsos trying to find their missing piece. Last night, my dreams included reborns (life-like dolls that some women carry around with them and treat like real babies) and adult babies (a fetish mostly indulged in by men who, as the name suggests, like to be treated as babies). Neither is something I’m interested in, nor would I ever be… though I’ll admit to finding both subjects fascinating, like a movie you want to stop watching but just can’t. I’ll also admit that I find reborns to be an exceptional art form, and wouldn’t mind having one of the better ones to display in my home (no beating hearts or breathing mechanisms please).

These odd dreams, quite clearly, are caused by my stresses about this whole foster-adoption process. While the first one has clear meaning, the dreams of last night are more obscure, though they too revolve around some sort of non-traditional child/parent relationship. I suppose my unconscious mind is just trying to make sense of this whole experience.

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