Early results!

January 30, 2008 at 5:00 pm (adoption, family, foster, fostering, home study, homestudy) (, )

Our homestudy was APPROVED!!!  We’re in “invisible pregnancy” land, and we have no idea what our “due date” is.

How do you prepare for a child when you don’t know what their gender or AGE is going to be?  (shrugs)  I’m just so happy!

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Our fate

January 30, 2008 at 12:59 pm (adoption, family, foster, fostering, home study, homestudy) (, , , )

Our fate as potential adoptive parents has likely already been decided. Council was this morning, and our social worker was scheduled to present our file then. It’s nerve wracking to know that THEY, the supreme power in this adoption dance, know our fate, yet we will not know until tomorrow. I doubt I’ll sleep tonight.

The feeling is very much like after getting the egg retrieval done for IVF, knowing I’d done everything right and F had done everything right, and that we no longer had control. Some embryologist knew what was going on with our potential babies, and we were at her mercy to keep us informed. It’s unsettling, but tomorrow, by this time (hopefully) we’ll know the answer to the burning question:

Did we pass our homestudy?!?

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Tick… tick… tick… tick……….

January 22, 2008 at 9:53 pm (adoption, family, foster, fostering, home study, homestudy) (, , , , )

There are two weeks until we find out if we passed our homestudy.

Well, one of the more different things about this two week wait is that, unlike all those medicated cycles of fertility treatments, where I had symptoms to analyze and sticks to pee on, I really have NOTHING to make any indication of our success or failure. I’ve spent some time thinking about the silly things I used to obsess over, cramps, temperature charts, queasiness, invisible HPT lines, tender breasts, or what one woman coined “porn-star nipples” (my friends and I had a chuckle over that). I remember once, early on, slicing open a green pepper and finding a perfectly formed baby green pepper inside, I was convinced it was a sign (Yes, it’s ok to laugh at that one, I won’t hold it against you). I say this not to convince you of my insanity, but to indicate to the uninitiated how overwhelmingly all-encompassing trying to conceive is for those who are truly infertile. Every moment of every day, it was all I thought about, and while the signs and symptoms really were nothing more than the creations of a desperate mind, they served a purpose. They gave me hope, they sustained me through a wait during which each moment contained an eternity.

Please don’t misunderstand, I have hope that this will work… hope is all I have. Unfortunately, the events which gave me hope are going further and further into the past with each passing day, and I am having to cling to fragmented memories of a week that flew by in a flurry of interviews. There is no ambiguous HPT residing in my medicine cabinet, beckoning me to tilt it every which way under various light sources. Tomorrow morning I will wake up, and everything will be the same as it was today, that twinge I felt today in the area of my uterus was likely a cyst popping, and I know that. And so I’ve been trying to keep sane, and keep the hope alive, by doing little things like writing a story for my future child, compiling songs for an “I love you no matter what” CD (any suggestions are welcomed), and catching up on my favorite adoption blogs.

One of the treasures of blogland has to be this guy. He is a stay at home adoptive dad, struggling through a position made for women. He’s doing a great job, admits his pitfalls, seems to really respect his wife, and above all, he really adores his daughter, and he really “gets” what parenthood is all about. The entry that I linked to above is just a cute little chuckle, where he learns to understand intimately what women go through each day at home, as it becomes a part of who he is.

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My Future Child

January 21, 2008 at 5:00 pm (adoption, family, foster, fostering) (, , )

I was reading blogs and came across THIS . It stirred up some feelings I have been having lately.

When I think of my future child, a whole host of emotions rush through me… I am excited, happy, elated and all those cheerful feelings of a future mother. I am also nervous and uncertain, both emotions my friends all expressed while expecting. Then, there’s the other stuff, the not so normal feelings that come with the foster/adopt experience. My child will not be born to me, and I can say in all honesty, I don’t care about that… what I do care about is that he or she will have a history without me, and it will not be a happy one.

Children don’t come into foster care from happy families, they don’t even come into foster care through mildly dysfunctional families… it takes an extreme level of danger to the child for a removal to happen, and an even worse situation to determine the child will NEVER be placed back with their parents and must be adopted. My baby, my heart and soul, will come to me from a damaged life. I will have failed in my first duty to protect him or her simply by virtue of being unable to. That child will have been hurt by those that should have cared, and betrayed by the very womb that brought him or her into the world. I can spend the next 18 years promising with every breath that I will NEVER betray or hurt them, but why should he or she believe me? After all, that very first bond was one tainted by the actions of the biological parents – and I am just a stranger. I know the love that I already feel, but I will never be able to let my future child feel it through my eyes.

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