My Future Child

January 21, 2008 at 5:00 pm (adoption, family, foster, fostering) (, , )

I was reading blogs and came across THIS . It stirred up some feelings I have been having lately.

When I think of my future child, a whole host of emotions rush through me… I am excited, happy, elated and all those cheerful feelings of a future mother. I am also nervous and uncertain, both emotions my friends all expressed while expecting. Then, there’s the other stuff, the not so normal feelings that come with the foster/adopt experience. My child will not be born to me, and I can say in all honesty, I don’t care about that… what I do care about is that he or she will have a history without me, and it will not be a happy one.

Children don’t come into foster care from happy families, they don’t even come into foster care through mildly dysfunctional families… it takes an extreme level of danger to the child for a removal to happen, and an even worse situation to determine the child will NEVER be placed back with their parents and must be adopted. My baby, my heart and soul, will come to me from a damaged life. I will have failed in my first duty to protect him or her simply by virtue of being unable to. That child will have been hurt by those that should have cared, and betrayed by the very womb that brought him or her into the world. I can spend the next 18 years promising with every breath that I will NEVER betray or hurt them, but why should he or she believe me? After all, that very first bond was one tainted by the actions of the biological parents – and I am just a stranger. I know the love that I already feel, but I will never be able to let my future child feel it through my eyes.

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2 Comments

  1. Pann said,

    Such horror stories are real; but you mustn’t doubt your ability to heal with the force of your love. You haven’t failed to protect, you’ve just only barely begun.

    When children are given real love, like you already feel for your unknown child, that love goes a LONG way toward healing the hurts of the past. Children will surely test you, and test you again, and that is how they learn to trust.

    Depending on your child’s age, I am sure you’ll find different ways to express the love you feel.

    I predict that one day, you’ll be surprised to see that love coming back at you through your child’s eyes, and it will knock you over with its incredible force.

  2. Sandra Hanks Benoiton said,

    You may not be able to undo history, but by adoption you can give a future, and that is huge.

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